An Imaginary Life

Today I actually fantasized about killing myself. I wasn't scared just relieved. It would be a good time to go, I thought... I have two pieces hanging in a free art exhibit. I have a job,not a single dime to my name, but I'm still a working artist. I've written a lot of things that I've enjoyed lately; and, for once my Mother isn't here fucking up my life, and stinking up my house. The weather is nice, I like the heat, and I've eaten everything that I wanted. I even baked a cake. Everything is just right. Nothing to regret. Okay, I did worry a bit that there really was a hell full of suicides and demons but I'd cross that bridge when I crossed it. I bet my hell would be full of drafting tables piled high with work to do for companies. BUT when I really put some thought to it I said OH NO, I haven't seen Pacific Rim yet and that was the end of that.
A very morbid thought process, I know. It only troubled me long after the fact. I think I need to find the courage to leave art as a job, not my life. Doing my own book is nothing but a waste of money. Conventions are far too expensive now. The average table is $500 plus travel, hotel, food, etc. I'm lucky to break even and that's not without a lot of begging strangers to look at my book which I have to sell @ 1/2 price and no profit. Then to top it off I get people offering me $20 for published original art pages all while enduring mean comments like "Not a fan". Not a fan. Not a fan... well I'm not a fan of being a 40 year old loser. The longer I live the more I realize that I can't live without respect. I'm tired of being invisible and dishonest in the sense that I continue to try to persist on something that I'm, obviously, not suited for. I've had too many years of struggle and too little success and it's only getting harder. I'm not sure that there's anything else out there for me, I could end up making things worse, but something is broken when thoughts of being dead are a comfort.
So if anyone has a job for a washed up artist I'm available. But you know, in the end I think I've gotten out of comics exactly what I put into it.
...And then I woke up.

Long Time No See...

... I wish I was posting under better circumstances. I came home today to the good news that the second Bomber was caught. A very good day and alls right with the world. So why don't I feel safe? Are we really safe or had the inevitable just been postponed like the Boston Comic Con? I can't believe that people were actually thinking of going to the con or that the con would still be happening in the midst of al this horror. I'm all for a show of strength and solidarity but there was a man at large!! There's support and then there's sticking your head in the sand and hoping for the best. I guess I'm about to do the later along with the rest of the country. You see I don't have the teeth to live in my home country, Honduras. It's a third world pit over run by gangsters and drug dealers. It's so bad that they shake parishioners down as they're going into church. My mother's house has barbwire around the top of the gate, WTF? I'm sure that's not totally fair to say. It's a beautiful place but there's no work for a comic book artist. I'd have to give up everything just to be relatively safe... for the moment and just for a moment. Terror, fear, and ignorance have a long reach. I worry about the state of the world that my son will inherit. Will he even make it to adulthood? Maybe that's not a fair question either; but, it's a frightening possibility... isn't it? Aren't we safe now? Well?

No Love Today.

Doors have been slammed in my face today. I was denied tables at two conventions. Denied badges, apparently even with Batgirl and New Crusaders under my belt at the same time I am NOT an real comic book artist.

OMG, I've Had a Bad Week!

And I mean a week from hell! Probably the worst of my entire career. It took me three days to recover. Now I'm enjoying the backlash, trying to take it in stride and still work. The only thing I will say clearly is that I HAVE NO CONTROL!!! So don't pick on me as if I did. When it is within my full power the out come is different. That IS why I do my own book on the side so that I don't have to hide away ashamed of myself and beating myself up for wasting my life.

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Facebook No More

Now I've never been much of a Facebooker, in fact I only got here to farm in Farm Town with my son. From the activity on my LJ account you can get an idea of how often that really is. Recently we haven't been able to farm at all because we're harassed there! Before we can make ourselves invisible chat windows pop up. Who ARE there people? Why is everything such an emergency? So as with many during the Dust Bowl we have abandoned the farm. NO MORE online gaming of any kind.

Here's an ODD CALL

I'm at my wit's end trying to find a small die cast pressing machine. I know that's an odd thing to want but I really need one. Apparently it's as hard to find as a unicorn unless I'm willing to deal with a website called Alibaba... (yes! You heard me right.) I see a lot of them in China that are exactly what I'm looking for. A unit with a small foot print. It can fit on a desktop and is manual. Most are very affordable but would cost more to import if it arrives at all considering that it all looks like one great big scam. Who'd send money to a company over seas through Western Union??? Now I've looked into crafting machines like Spellbinder Wizard, Sizzix, Accucut Grand mark, Ellison, and the cricket but they're practically toys. Some are very big, expensive toys;but, they're toys all the same. The biggest die that I'd use is 11x17. Some of those toys can easily accommodate that; but, they've got the pressing power of my son's two little chubby fat fingers! Since this quest is right up there with finding the Holy Grail I'd thought I'd take a chance and reach out to the community. Does anybody out there have a small table top die press machine, even if it's manual, that they'd like to unload? Or had anyone imported anything at all successfully from a Chinese company through Alibaba? Have you captured a Leprechaun and forced him to take you to his pot of gold? If so ask him where I can get a Die Press machine.

Another Con is a comin'

August 27th I'm off to a one day convention in Conn. called Comicon. I've never been there before but I'm happy to go. I like one day cons but I end up spending more than I earn. The last one I went to I didn't even make car fair; but, I got to talk to a lot of very nice people and I met some great creators who i hope to stay in contact with.

I'm also drawing closer to finishing the third issue of my book in spite of myself. This is it's cover. tomorrow I'll paint it. Hopefully I'll have it done for NYCC in october.

Sex and Race are Still a Problem Unfortunately.

OOOOO, I tried not to write about this. I wanted so to just be happy and thankful but something... bothered me when I saw the art. Not because of what it was. The art was great and I was very excited to see my character included and drawn by someone else... ... ...but I was equally as disappointed to see the cast of Tarzan minus the white guy. I know that's crass, I've never been so crass on paper, but that's how I felt. I was ashamed and sorry. It was like being pushed into a crowded room naked. The next time I get to be reminded why being a woman is a bad thing AGAIN! It's the nature of the beast, I know. It also is what it is and logical to the story as well I bet; and, if I really don't like it then DO something about the broken system instead of complaining about it. Yume and Ever IS my thing. My escape; and, it hurt in an unexpected way them separated and categorized. It's of no consequence and for a good cause and for a good project that I believe in. I just don't understand why I had to have any feelings about it at all.


Wizard World Philly tomorrow!

I looooove Philly... because they have a Chick-Fil-a. For that reason alone the trip is worth its while. I'm quite looking forward to the convention; but, it's been a slow start. The crowds are more picky and less likely to part with their hard earned cash for anything that's not mainstream. Luckily I have plenty of those pages to off load; but, I go to cons to show what I don't get to draw. I want to look into Indy cons. There's Mocca here in NYC but I've been told that that "Marvel" look is too mainstream for such a trendy crowd and my own book's too 'polished". I'm sick of feeling like an outsider every where I go.

I'm gonna get crazy and draw a one or two shot of a few chapters of my private novel. I need to design ink for 5 more guys and two ladies; but, I also get to draw airplanes and starships and jet fighters. I really wanna draw jet fighters.

Scranton Here I Come!

I like one day conventions. THey're surprisingly fun and not half as tiring. The con date is actually June 12th but I'm taking ye ol' Grey Hound express there a day early. Hopefully I'll hawk m'wares and meet nice people.